five useless things we say as parents

1. Careful. CAREFUL. CARE. FUL. [winces] Are you okay?
2. Give that back.
3. Not in your mouth. No. Not in your mouth. GOD DAMN IT [insert child’s name] NOT IN YOUR MOUTH! Did you swallow it?
4. Don’t touch that.
5. Sit down please. Please sit down.  SIT. DOWN. [insert child’s name] butt on the [insert location butt should be (couch, seat, floor, etc.)]. [child falls] Why do you think I told you to sit?